Disclaimer: These were once again written by the most spiritually bankrupt lesbian we could find. Follow (or ignore) this advice at your own risk.

Happy Halloween and joyous autumnal equinox! This season is particularly potent when it comes to cosmic energy, or at least that’s what the shady figure that reads tarot in the corner of my favorite dive bar is always telling me. To highlight that significance, we’ve once again consulted our star charts and asked the gods for guidance in producing these (totally ghoulish) fall horoscopes just for you all.

Aries: perform relationship maintenance

It may feel a little Machiavellian to dissect each and every relationship in your life for their bespoke inefficiencies, but that’s precisely what you need this season! It’s time to cut people off at the first sign of weakness and let out the inner psychopath you’ve been struggling to hide.

Taurus: rest, recharge, meditate

Normally you fill each of your waking hours with inane tasks with no other purpose than to waste time and stave off the dread that keeps you up at night. Embrace that dread this season, Taurus. Sit in one place and repeat a mantra until it consumes you. Do it in the name of healing.

Gemini: let out your sensitive side

Because of your inherently two-faced nature, Gemini, you oscillate between extreme, obsessive bouts of romance and periods of unbridled hatred for all things gooey and warm. Embrace the former this season and find a new person to place all your hopes and dreams on. They’re sure to like one of your personalities!

Cancer: retake your space

Like all emotionally stunted hermit crabs, your home is very important to you, Cancer. Lately, you may have been feeling the urge to redecorate, and the stars say to give in. Repaint your drawing room, create some new windows, or knock down a load-bearing wall. The only limits are the ones imposed by your landlord!

Leo: make yourself the center of attention

People haven’t been paying attention to you lately, Leo. I don’t need to tell you that, though, since someone as self-centered as you is surely already aware. Time to fix it. The stars suggest something big, like a bomb threat or BASE jumping, but the world is your oyster.

Virgo: focus on the bigger picture

You’ve been grinding away really hard this past season, Virgo, but that single-minded focus can often leave you missing the bigger picture. Yes, money is good and your greed demands you have it in large quantities, but when was the last time you checked in on your high school English teacher or your first boyfriend?

Libra: take a trip down memory lane

There’s something big happening in the stars for you this season, and everyone knows it. Maybe that’s why your cousin’s ex-boyfriend is hounding you for the $80 he lent you eight years ago. Hit back by reminding him of those embarrassing pictures you still have of him naked on a Confederate statue. Or just pay him. Either way. 

Scorpio: practice self-love

No, not like that, you heathen. Okay, maybe like that. But you also need to, like, bathe regularly and make time to eat food that isn’t day-old Taco Bell. Seriously. We’re all worried about you.

Sagittarius: embrace your inner circle

You tend to feel lonely and disconnected in the fall, which is why you’ve been creating all those great imaginary friends to talk to. Far from the “scary delusions” your therapist called them last time you talked to her, the apparitions are the ones keeping you sane in these dark times. Embrace those relationships and listen to their advice! After all, they’re you, and you’re never wrong.

Capricorn: find work-life balance

We get it, you’re a boss babe. Spending 30 hours straight at the office isn’t healthy, though. Maybe try going home and speaking to your roommate about something other than dividends and spreadsheets and YTD profits. It may just make you feel as human as you’re capable of.

Aquarius: plan a getaway

To avoid going stir-crazy this fall, you should make time to get out of the house, Aquarius. The longer, the better. Sublet your room to a shady German man and make him promise not to smoke in it, then set off for places unknown. You only have to return when the money runs out or your landlord threatens to evict you.

Pisces: make room for love

Pisces, that breakup happened years ago. Why are you still crying about it? I know that dating is scary and that your heart is so very fragile, but it’s time to let someone else in. Maybe they’ll even like the absolute mess that they find.